Moping

  For a long time I denied that my husband was probably dying. Everyone else seemed to acknowledge the fact; I still hung onto hope that he'd get --not just better-- back to his old self. That we'd hike the forest and firetrails like we used to. That he'd be independent, drive his old truck, sit at the computer and write stories, take part in online discussions; lead another writers' group downtown at local venues; watch local bands perform, befriend and mentor the young writers that come to earn a degree at our small-town university.

  Then late last month his decline became more rapid, and even before I admitted to myself we were nearing the end, I began cutting my hair. In some cultures that's an expression of grief. I understand completely; it was more a compulsion than a decision. Sure, long hair can be a nuisance, but mine's always been long. I had it cut twice, at age 13 and again at 26. Both times to up around my ears, a bit shorter than shoulder-length but still more than 3-4 inches long. Both times I immediately hated it, and immediately began growing it out again, saying "never again." I was going to be the old lady with a grey braid down to her ass.

  Bob loved my hair, and he wasn't the only one. I often got compliments on it, from men and women alike. From strangers and friends. And it was easy to care for once I got it slightly layered; it fell in ringlets nearly to my waist in the back. Even before the layering it looked fine, a poofy cloud of body.

  So cutting it, first by tying a ponytail at the top of my head and just whacking it off --which, by the way, by some miracle can produce a professional-looking layered effect-- and then using scissors with first a brush and then my fingers to trim it ever shorter, has definitely been an expression of grief. A signal to the rest of the world: no, I'm not interested. Look elsewhere. I'm mourning.

  And still I got attention.

  Yesterday at the grocery store a twenty-something male cashier flirted with me. Maybe that's his way of relieving the boredom of his job, but it felt quite intense and real to me. I want nothing to do with that. I'm mourning. Leave me alone. I had a good man. I don't want a new one, not for a minute. Not now. Maybe not ever.

  My husband died thirteen days ago. We buried him ten days ago. Tomorrow would be our twelfth anniversary. Last night I got out the "beard trimming kit" and now I have a bootcamp-short buzzcut. It'll be years before it's long enough to tie into a ponytail, let alone a braid.

  I live alone, with my cats, with my seedlings, with my yarden, with my birdfeeders, with my knitting, with my memories. Nothing to see here, keep moving along. Leave me be.

 

a death while the earth wakes

 My husband died a week ago this afternoon.

 He'd been "declining," as they say, since his first bout of pneumonia, back in October. He never was able to completely shake that.

 He wanted to be home, and I was able to give him that. He also waited till my mom was here with me, and until she and I had gone out for a while, leaving him here with a good friend and neighbor. I guess he didn't want me to witness his last breaths.

 We had a ceremony at the graveyard way up in the woods, away from traffic noises; the same place we got married almost 12 years ago. I know he loved that place. It was where he'd go to meditate. It's springtime in Kentucky, a time he loved, when the trees begin getting baby-green leaves and flowers --anonymous till I named them for him-- begin blooming. It was two days before the 15-year anniversary of his mother's death, and we lost three cousins that week too. I guess the pull from the other side is strong on this family this time of year.

 Adjustment is going to take a while. Though the past three years I've been as much hopeful as I've been in mourning, this is still an awful shock to my system. Lucky for me I have more friends than I realized.

  Rest in Peace, my beloved, my soulmate; Bob Sloan: May 31 1947 - April 17 2013

 

lately

 Finally some good news to report. Today th'Mr opened his eyes and was tracking me and nurses around the room with them. Then E, the LPN we both really like, got him started on ice chips.

 Letssee... he went in the hospital Wednesday afternoon. He'd been pretty much unresponsive since Tuesday bedtime. So I called the EMTs to come get him, after talking to the VA nurse and Dr W's nurse also. Before that, on Sunday, I had them bring him to the hospital for stitches in his forehead. That was Sunday the 29th. He'd just been discharged Friday the 27th, from ten days in with pneumonia.

 I kind of feel like I talked him back from somewhere this time. He was very sleepy. He's still sleepy, but he seems to be catching up, after sleeping for 3 solid days lol.

 Oh, and I whacked all my hair off Tuesday. Maybe that sent him into shock and he's been sleeping it off ever since. I shortened it some more today. The back of my neck is shaved.

 We have 12 cats again. K down the road found a tabby kitten that lives here now. She's called Tuffy, is about 5 months old and very tough. Has a tuft on her nose.

 So there's (from oldest down) Shorty, Sapphire, Nameless, Booger, Klutz, Roadie, Red, Barnie, Growler, Sugar, Spike and Tuffy. Shorty just turned 15

books read in 2012 (98)

 This coming year I plan to focus more on my text books. Wish me luck. What follows is a list of the books I read this past year, along with the date I finished them.

Michael Palmer: The First Patient (Dec 23)
Lee Child: The Enemy (Dec 21)
Michael Connelly: The Reversal (Dec 18)
Elmore Leonard: Raylan (Dec 15)
Brady Udall: The Lonely Polygamist (Dec 12)
Richard North Patterson: Eclipse (Dec 11)
Jeffery Deaver: The Stone Monkey (Nov 30)
Jodi Picoult: Salem Falls (Nov 29)
Michael Crichton: Airframe (Nov 16)
Ridley Pearson: Killer Summer (Nov 16)
John Updike: The Widows of Eastwick (Nov 15)
David Ebershoff: The 19th Wife (Nov 13)
Kathy Reichs: Bones are Forever (Nov 12)
Kathy Reichs: Flash and Bones (Nov 9)
Michael Connelly: 9 Dragons (Nov 8)
John Grisham: Playing for Pizza (Nov 6)
Jeffrey Archer: Only Time Will Tell (Nov 3)
Michael Connelly: The Brass Verdict (Nov 3)
Michael Palmer: Oath of Office (Nov 2)
Janice Daugharty: Heir to the Everlasting (Oct 19)
Ethan Cross: The Shepherd (Oct 19)
Stuart Woods: Unnatural Acts (Oct 18)
Robert Crais: Taken (Oct 17)
Jeffery Deaver: XO (Oct 16)
Jack Higgins: A Devil is Waiting (Oct 15)
John Grisham: The Litigators (Oct 8)
Michael Connelly: The Poet (Oct 6)
Jeffrey Archer: Sins of the Father (Oct 5)
Suzanne Collins: Mockingjay (Oct 4)
Robert Parker: Back Story (Oct 2)
Michael Palmer: The Fifth Vial (Oct 1)
Michael Connelly: The Lincoln Lawyer (Sep 29)
Ken Follett: Fall of Giants (Sep 26)
Paulo Coelho: The Alchemist (Sep 20)
Mitch Albom: The Timekeeper (Sep 20)
Louey Chisholm: Celtic Tales, Told to the Children (Sep 20)
Suzanne Collins: Catching Fire (Sep 19)
Harlan Coben: The Final Detail (Sep 18)
Ann Cleeves: Red Bones (Sep 15)
Chris Cleave: Little Bee (Sep 8)
Clark & Gould: The Amish Midwife (Sep 6)
Charles Finch: The September Society (Sep 5)
Luis M. Ruiz: Only One Thing Missing (Sep 3)
Celia Rivenbark: We're Just Like You, Only Prettier (Aug 30)
Diana Gabaldon: Lord John and the Private Matter (Aug 26)
Robert Graves: Claudius the God (Aug 25)
Peter Carey: Parrot and Olivier in America (Aug 24)
James Grippando: Money to Burn (Aug 22)
Michael Connelly: Echo Park (Aug 20)
Stuart Woods: Santa Fe Dead (Aug 20)
John Sandford: Storm Prey (Aug 19)
Robert B. Parker: Sixkill (Aug 19)
John Le Carré: Smiley's People (Aug 18)
Max Brooks: World War Z (Aug 5)
Harlan Ellison: Ellison Wonderland (Aug 5)
Richard Brautigan: The Abortion (Aug 1)
Larry McMurtry: Terms of Endearment (July 30)
Anne McCaffrey: Dragonseye (July 28)
John Irving: The World According to Garp (July 26)
Stephen March: Catbird (July 16)
Brian Haig: Man in the Middle (July 15)
Daniel Keyes: Flowers for Algernon (July 10)
Annie Proulx: The Shipping News (July 9)
Jack Finney: Time and Again (July 4)
R. A. Nelson: Days of Little Texas (Jun 29)
Diane Ackerman: The Zookeeper's Wife (Jun 17)
John Connolly: The Lovers (Jun 14)
Anne McCaffrey: The Dolphins of Pern (Jun 7)
Linwood Barclay: No Time for Goodbye (Jun 6)
Thomas Moran: No Way Back (Jun 5)
Faye Kellerman: Blindman's Bluff (Jun 4)
John Sandford: Bad Blood (Jun 3)
Lee Child: 61 Hours (Jun 2)
Carlene Thompson: Nowhere to Hide (May 27)
Carlene Thompson: Since You've Been Gone (May 25)
Suzanne Collins: The Hunger Games (May 23)
Lisa Gardner: The Other Daughter (May 21)
Lee Child: Worth Dying For (May 19)
Stuart Woods: Shoot Him if He Runs (May 2)
Geraldine Brooks: Caleb's Crossing (May 1)
Jean Brashear: The Goddess of Fried Okra (Apr 29)
Marion Zimmer Bradley: The Mists of Avalon (Apr 29)
Michael Crichton: A Case of Need (Apr 11)
Wendy C. Staub: Fade to Black (Mar 24)
Lisa Brackman: Rock Paper Tiger (Mar 21)
Juliet Blackwell: Secondhand Spirits (Mar 16)
John Le Carré: Our Game (Mar 14)
Juliet Blackwell: A Cast-Off Coven (Mar 9)
Brunonia Barry:The Lace Reader (Feb 22)
Dan Brown: Deception Point (Feb 19)
Jane Austen: Pride and Prejudice (Feb 5)
Margaret Atwood: The Handmaid's Tale (Jan 22)
D. M. Annechino: They Never Die Quietly (Jan 14)
Paul Gallico: Jennie (Jan 13)
Sarah Addison Allen: Garden Spells (Jan 6)
Sarah Addison Allen: The Peach Keeper (Jan 4)
Maureen McKade: Where There's Fire (Jan 3)
Susan Albert: Rosemary Remembered (Jan 3)

"dualing" earworms

 Two songs running thru my head at once this morning.

It's the Hap-happiest time of the year (ding dong)

Smokin' cigarettes and watching Captain Kang-kangaroo

I hope that isn't going to set the tone for the new year. I'm kind of down, but I always am this time of year. I only have two resolutions, and they're both kind of broad:

live healthier
declutter

I've been doing quite well at decluttering the past couple of months, but one thing I've noticed is it doesn't STAY decluttered. So now I'm going to focus on keeping areas neat once they are.

As for living healthy, don't ask! I need more exercise, a better diet, less junk food, less junk drink and a better attitude.

I read 98 books last year. There were a few I quit in the middle of (I only count among the 98 those I actually finished) and a few I should have tossed aside but read anyway. There are a couple I'm reading now. One is fiction - I'll probably toss it aside though it's a pretty good read. Why? This year I want to focus on my text books. Maybe after reading one, or a large section of one, I'll reward myself with some fiction? We'll see.

Grrrl snapped another cable this weekend. Tractor Supply called their vendor, who said they'd replace it, this once, without a receipt, but suggested I consider a logging chain instead of cable for this dog. It's supposed to be rated to 150-lb dog. Grrrl weighs barely 60, and this is the 2nd one she's broken (plus one heavy-duty tie-out stake).

Bob wants to sleep all day, or lay in the recliner, fully reclined, all day. I don't think I'm serving him well by keeping him home, though it's where he wants to be. Yesterday I began making phone calls too late in the day and everyone'd already packed up for the holiday. Setting up a new appointment with the neurologist is priority, and there's where my hopes lie now. Bob and I both acknowledge that as far as his mind goes, he either "hasn't lost" anything or he's regained it all. It's just the body that's not cooperating. He can't walk. He can't balance.

gangstagrass

 Been watching a few episodes of Justified recently. First I read the Elmore Leonard book, Raylan... the theme song sounds like something I remember as "Bad Boy Boogaloo" I really like that sound.

 Love some of the lines in the series. We're just in the 2nd disc. Bob's asleep, as he was at this point in the 1st disc.

 many Christmas packages arrived today. All contained chocolate.

 

wrap it up

  I am DONE with my shopping. For me it's not really Christmas shopping, but for most of those receiving it is, and I'm not picky about what they call it. For me it's an annual quest to find something for people I care about to make them say "Ooh!" Like the box of chocolate liqueurs my parents sent me made me say "Ooh!"

  So, anyway, shopping is done, and it's all in the mail now, except a couple things that'll fit in envelopes on Monday. And it was fun.

  Another thing I can be proud of is that I've finished 3 projects - the grandnef's socks, the b.i.l's scarf (and now th'Mr wants one just like it, but in red...)... and -tadaaaa- the latch hook rug that I began in the summer of 2008.

  Earlier my mom had asked me if I ever do latch hook projects, and I told her no - and a few weeks later was browsing a craft store and one caught my eye. Now that I've finally completed it, and took over 4 years to do so, I think I have a better grasp on just WHY I don't do latch hook projects.

 

~*~*~*~

 

  I hate this time of year. It's dark dark dark. I don't mind the cold so much, but I really crave daylight, sunlight. Well - six more days till we head back into the light, and ninety days past that'll be Spring! And I have dandelions blooming now.

 

rainy warm December nights

 This is nice. I just lost a document on my laptop because I still don't understand Win7 enough to have kept that from happening when the computer went into an automatic shutdown to install updates, something else that shouldn't have happened.

  And now there's Win8. On the desktop we still use XP. So we're dinosaurs. We've lived long enough to earn the title.

  So, trying to recreate where I was...

  Here I sit: laptop on, book started, crochet square within a couple rows of complete, bottle of nail polish. I want to do it all at once. Multitasking --the ability, which creates the obligation to-- is what causes my stress. There's a new gadget out this year, called Dragon, I think, which enables talk-to-text. Very handy. I think th'Mr should definitely have one, and all the rest of us should too. It would add one more thing to my multitasking, a constant narration. For now I just talk to the cats, and the spiders, birds, and anyone else I think may listen.

  I guess laptop comes first, though it's warm on my lap and the fact I have the fire going for Bob is no help. I look forward to the day I feel cold again. First I need to capture my thoughts, before they fly away.

  A couple months ago I joined a group making squares (rectangles, really, but "square" is easier on tongue and keyboard both) to be joined into 49"x 63" blankets for the homeless. This past month I haven't made squares, not since just a couple days past the last meeting. Instead I've been occupied with a pair of socks for the grandnef, which stalled - I then started a new pair, which are now past the halfway mark, a scarf for the bil (nearly done, just need to seam up the pockets), a blanket for th'Mr --which will look like just a bunch of nubbly scarves till I seam them all together-- and a bunch of kitchy kitchen stuff. Sometimes my hands just want to work in cotton for a while. There's also the fact I actually TOLD one of the guys at the local tire place I was going to make warm hats for them this winter, because they always look like they're freezing! I have the yarn for that project, anyway. And then there's the shawl, nearly finished, that I haven't picked up since the Tabby ate the needles. No matter that the niece (the grandnef's ma) sent me a new set pronto, by the time it arrived I was deep into sock yarn. Also there's the box labeled "Easy - Fun - Quick" containing a latch hook rug I started in 2008. I've moved it onto my bedside table to help induce guilt. It's just another project that's over 75% done...

  So today I began a square for the rectangle group. We have a name, but damn if I can remember what it is right now. The yarn I'm using came today. It's acrylic, which is probably the best choice for this sort project. I bought it from someone on Ravelry, she couldn't find the skein and substituted something else for my money, and now that she found it, sent it to me free of charge. I love Ravelry. Marketplaces like this --I recently bought stuff from Zazzle, another newbie-- and paypal are a couple things that make the internet really revolutionary. Yes, I'm one of the people who has longed for "simpler times," but the internet in all its connectivity, especially small businesses and social media, makes up for the rest of the modern world confusion. IMO.

  The laptop's touchpad is giving me hell, but I need to master it for the time when I switch to tablet. Which will not be for a couple years, I'm sure, though they're advertised in every 3rd commmercial this year, it seems. I unplugged the mouse just to get used to the touchpad. I can be part dinosaur, but there are skills I intend to have.

  The book I just started, well, let me begin with the one I finished last night. All through it I kept thinking, "this sounds so familiar!" and even googled the author to see if there have been any plagiarism allegations either against him or someone else aping his work. And then I realized I'd read the SEQUEL to this book just a couple of months ago. That's a whole new deja vu.

  Then tonight I started Margot Adler's Drawing Down the Moon, and before I got even through the preface to the new edition found phrases I wanted to post as my facebook status.

  Now I've got all that off my mind I can finish that 'tangle, paint my nails metallic blue, and finish reading the preface.

 

wakey wakey

 Trying to convince Bob it's time to get out of bed:

 Are you ready to get up? He nods his head yes.

 Right now? He shakes his head no.

 He says, are you making coffee or tea?

 I say, there's coffee made.

 He snores.

 Next resort: start breakfast. I'm frying bacon. Next will pour off some bacon grease for later, fry sausage. Slice potatoes into the bacon/sausage grease. As potatoes fry, add onion and garlic. Let the aroma convince him it's time to get up (noon by now). Tell him, let's get up before I put the eggs in. That usually does the trick.

 

colors

 Wish I'd had a camera close at hand when I woke up this morning. Instead I had "Revlon Red" toenails peeking out from under a pink quilt, with three black cats on top.