That's not what I meant

  the English language is rich, complex, and potentially confusing. Take the word "anticipate." The first thing that brings to my mind is "oh boy! I can't wait!"

  But that's not what I mean when I say (to myself) that these days I often anticipate widowhood. Instead I mean it's on my mind, and I see it in my future.

  Possibly not in my very distant future. I dread it, but I also anticipate what it will be like. Not so different from life now. Add in loneliness and some regret, take away some frustration, add freedom of movement and subtract a little companionship, and widowhood is pretty much what I have now.

  But you never know. Bob may continue improving slowly, or suddenly begin improving rapidly, we may have another dozen years better than the first couple, or I might get hit by a truck (we used to say, "by a piece of Skylab") tomorrow. We may go on just as we do now, with him sleeping in bed 12 hours a day and then spending another 8 of the remaining 12 dozing in the recliner.

  Or the world might end with the Mayan calendar. Was I going to make a point? That's the trouble when I begin a post with a thought and then take a break midway through.